


The Art of Language

by ModernStoryteller



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Breaking the bounds of TIME and SPACE for funsies, Drabbles and Musings, Names to be added as they turn up, Slice of Life, Texting, wrong numbers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-12-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:35:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27797830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ModernStoryteller/pseuds/ModernStoryteller
Summary: language/ˈlaŋɡwɪdʒ/ nounnoun: language; plural noun: languages1. the principal method of human communication, consisting of words used in a structured and conventional way and conveyed by speech, writing, or gesture.Anne starts getting these weird text messages from an unknown number, which is all fun and games until she cottons on that it is, in fact, from a game. But hey, at least the characters seem nice?
Relationships: n/a
Comments: 5
Kudos: 12





	1. Prologue

_ Prologue _

  
  
The first message started simply.  
HELLO HUMAN?  
In all caps, in a weird ass font that Anne didn’t know could even be changed on the phone settings like that. It was an unknown caller, so the assumption was a bot or phishing scam of some sort. Or someone’s bored idea of a prank?  
She wasn’t sure, but either way the safest reaction would have been to just ignore it. And that truly would have been the end of it, shuffled off and sent to delete like any other text claiming her unknown parcel she never bought needed pickup or hot-singles-NOW.  
Except, well except she was bored. There wasn’t a lot of options for entertainment when commuting on the train. The cell reception was spotty and cat videos didn’t download properly (Which made it weird this one got through really) and on a spot of what could only be described as ‘whimsy’ she had typed out a reply.  
Hey, maybe it was a prank and not from a bot and they’d get a kick out of it?  
 **This is human, Yes?  
** And waited, and waited. The three little dots indicating someone was typing endlessly flashing.  
Ah well, looks like it was a scam then.  
She promptly closed her phone and forgot about it. Her stop was coming up and she needed to focus on getting into that work mindset.  
  
It wasn’t until bed that night that Anne even thought to look at her phone again, and that was because she needed to reset the alarm.  
Three new messages waited.  
HELLO HUMAN! IT TOOK ME LESS RANDOM NUMBERS THAN I THOUGHT TO REACH YOU! SOME WERE NOT EVEN SUPPOSE TO EXIST ACCORDING TO THE AUTOMATED OPERATOR SYSTEM  
Well this certainly didn’t seem to be a bot judging on the sheer enthusiasm the words somehow radiated.  
ARE YOU NOT IN WATERFALL BY NOW?  
sent not two minutes after the first. Where was waterall? A Café? Did she accidentally cause two friends to miss their meetup? Oh, she’d feel bad about that one if so.  
And then, much much later by the time stamp.  
I APPEAR TO HAVE DIALLED THE WRONG NUMBER.  
Feeling a little bad and not wanting to seem impolite since apparently her spot of fun seems to have actually put someone out, Anne shot one final one back. Hoping to smooth any ruffled feathers it may of caused.  
 **Its okay. Wrong numbers happen. Hope you got who you were after.  
** And she thought that would have been the last of it.  
Except not a minute later her phone dinged with a new message.  
YES THE ONE WE WERE AFTER HAD BEEN INDEED ‘GOT’. THE MIXUP SORTED, IT IS QUITE A STORY. BUT IF YOU ARE NOT THE ONE I WAS TRYING TO REACH BUT STILL ANSWERED…  
The text paused, Anne got the sense whoever was on the other end was putting careful deliberation into their next words.  
…DOES THAT MEAN…  
…ARE YOU A HUMAN TOO?  
Simple letters, simple words. An innocuous ask. But it felt uneasy to Anne. More weighty to read, because that was the oddest question she had ever been posed, and she didn’t realise how off-putting that it could come across when given it (especially at night).  
This wasn’t a captcha off the web, there was no need to verify herself as a person. To validate her existence to a stranger whom obviously could tell she was real since _she_ was answering _them_. It bothered her and it took her a moment to sort through and form the reason why. Tired mind thinking far too slow.  
 _because_ , her little voice whispered in her head, _because asking if I’m human implies that for some reason the standard is otherwise…but why would they think that?  
_ Only to immediately get annoyed. That was the most childish thing to reason. It was a joke, as she had thought this morning. Someone having a little fun. Probably a poke back at having messed up their day with their friend unintentionally.  
 **Yes, and this human is tired. Good night**  
The easiest way to end the conversation would be to just let it drop and not answer. And she was tempted to. Her day was long and her shift tiring, but her mother had raised her to be polite when possible and it cost nothing to do so. Just to be sure though, she turned it on silent.

  
  
****************

Perhaps she had thought their conversation over but it seems whoever it was on the other side didn’t. Though, to be fair, they seem to at least wait until morning before anymore buzzed through.  
And they were weird questions too.  
HOW LONG DO HUMANS SLEEP? ITS COMPLETELY WASTEFUL  
vs  
WHAT DOES SNOW FEEL LIKE TO YOU?  
and her favourite that popped up around lunchtime  
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF SPAGHHETTII?  
which did not help her lunchtime cravings any at all. She had dutifully ignored the bothersome texts, not wanting to encourage whoever it was, but they kept spamming her with the most inane things that just left her confused. Questions ranging from thoughtful (No she did not know much about stars and she didn’t need to ponder how many saw the same ones at any given time) to so far out of left field that it hadn’t even hit anywhere in the right ballpark. Singing flowers? What?  
This was a LOT of effort to go to for a prank Anne was beginning to think, either they were very bored…or something here was _wrong_. The way they kept coming regularly on the hour, every hour. As if desperate for a reply, any reply. Why would someone put so much into this?  
It wasn’t like you couldn’t just hit up a chat room and get your fix that way.  
 _Do not engange,_ her mind kept telling her. _It’l go away if you ignore it. They feed on attention.  
_ But then they had to introduce themselves. Realising that for half a day they had been trying to chat and hadn’t even given a name. And, really, that was too good of an opportunity to give up on.  
 **Papyrus? Like the Egyptian paper stuff?  
** What poor sod got named something like that? Did their parents hate them? Or perhaps it was an Alias, that would make far more sense. It would even be clever, given text and language and attempting to decipher whatever the hell this guy was trying to pull. It was definitely like trying to decipher some long dead language.  
There was a beat of stillness as the little dots started to indicate a hurried (then deleted) reply, before coming through.  
…  
…  
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THAT IS  
and because it was one of her days off and she was so very bored (this totally beat out watching the ceiling fan in the entertainment value. Just) Anne answered back. Because who hadn’t heard of Egypt? It was, like, mandatory third grade homework. Even if hers stemmed entirely around the Mummy film that had just come out then (It hadn’t gotten a good grade that).  
 **You know, the scrolls Ancient Egyptians used? Dead reed pulp they used before paper was a thing? Actually pretty durable, part of the reason anything survived since then and why we have any idea what their writing looked like.  
** And yea, she gushed a little bit there maybe, enthused more like. It’s just stuff like this was cool to know and she would happily spout out (probably) true facts (sort of) about random junk like that all the time. It came with being a hobbyist who couldn’t stick with any one thing.  
Jack of all trades, master of none sort. **  
**Except not even a jack of all trades sort. You needed some level of SKILL for that. Anne just had sheer-bloody-minded focus that kept her attention for a week or so before something else shiny and new came along to drag her attention away. There was a name for that. Could have been Magpies?  
BowerBird? Something bird related.  
WOWEE THAT SOUNDS INTERESTING!  
Did they just type wowee? Anne couldn’t help but snicker. What was this? An Enid Blyton novel?  
It was certainly…cute. Old fashioned but cute, if only because the texts seem to radiate their owners genuine enthusiasm.  
WE USE OLD PAPERBACKS AND NEWSPAPERS THAT WASHUP IN THE GARBAGE HEAP TO WRITE ON  
…  
oookay. A lot to unpack there.  
And for the first time Anne began to think about not just who, but _where_ these texts were coming from. She had assumed, quite innocently because it hadn’t occurred to her to think otherwise, that they were from someone local. Which was folly on her part, since the world was a very big place and honestly random numbers could come from anywhere in it. And perhaps this wasn’t a prank nor a scam. But rather someone rather desperate to connect with someone else the only way they could?  
 _Who uses old trash to write with?_  
Her cheeks burned with embarrassment, even if no one was there to see it.  
Silly, stupid to think so narrowly. The curious questions, the strange manner of speaking. English wasn’t always a first language, had she accidentally gotten hold of someone whom was from a different part of the world?  
She didn’t want to assume, because that would make her feel just as guilty, but she did start to think that, perhaps, there was something quite a bit more going on here.  
Anne quickly took out a notepad and pen. Pulling up a fresh page and drawing up two columns as she jotted down some notes.  
Unusual name, old fashioned words, no real knowledge of social etiquette. Or Basic online safety, they just up and offered their name like that. Who does that?!  
gaps in history? (Ancient Egypt was universal wasn’t it? The Tomb digging craze had a rather big impact, didn’t it? She didn’t need these sudden existential crisis of world knowledge thank you, but scrubbed it out just in case)  
Human didn’t always mean species, _Human_ could translate as _person_ to someone learning from a washed up dictionary after all.  
The only thing Anne COULD conclude in any meaningful way was that the other texter was both persistent and possibly genuine in their enquiries.  
Did she have the heart to refuse some hopeful if they truly were trying to reach out to someone? If somehow some random person in some unknown side of the world (they used TRASH. They combed through a GARBAGE DUMP. Never though to consider herself lucky to just _write_ something down. She didn’t know enough about other countries to peg down where that may be. Hell it could be just from a very frugal family. Scrooges were everywhere after all and cruel people besides)  
if they had by random chance, manage to reach out for connection and by some god awful luck got her, could she cut that off?  
 _Oh God fucking damnit  
_ It was with a sudden new charge of both reluctance (it could still be something really-not-good) yet a slowly solidifying determination to at least try and see this through that Anne typed out her next sentence. They felt as heavy, as weighted as the ones she first tried using. Like a cornerstone.  
 _I do this, then there’s no take-backsies  
how bad could texting even be?  
…  
…  
…  
_ **Well if you need to know anything you can just ask, Papyrus.**  
  
_________________________________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small exercise for myself, trying to muse through various ideas and self made head cannons regarding this world and its characters, put into a semi-coherent story format .
> 
> For example:  
> Head cannon 1) The monsters of the underground would of practised recycling and self made repairs to a ridiculous degree. They had plants and trees and likely access to some raw metals whilst under the mountain so structures for buildings/furniture were likely crafted by hand. Pulp to make paper with also, but the easiest way for them to make that stuff would have been to use whatever survived the waterfall trip and break it down to make recycled paper (the stuff too badly damaged they couldn’t read). The more technical gear? Circuitry and microchips and things require some unbelievable amount of fine tuning to prepare would have been scavenged from tech that fell down. So papyrus would be the practical thrifty sort who’d repair his own phone with whatever could fit from the garbage dump. Which meant his phone is a cobbled together mess with technology dating from the dawn of the brick era, all the way to modern i-phones and computers. Throw magic into that mix to make it all function together and there could be no telling what signals that thing can reach, including outside the bounds of time and space.
> 
> Head cannon 2) Papyrus is the only guy he knows lucky enough to find not just one human, but somehow contact a second within days. His human hunting skills are the best, this is for certain.


	2. Wrong Numbers

_ Chapter 1 _

Papyrus was a practical sort. He had to be. His brother was smart, but not the kind to think of the day to day matters. Not the one to sort out the laundry, to clean and to cook, to put food down because living creatures needed at least two meals a day to function, comfortably three. Magic needed replenishing after all, they were MADE of magic yet Sans was the sort to forget all that and just...forget everything basic they needed if given the opportunity.  
Papyrus worried he’d forget entirely if given the chance. His behaviour had…changed since the human had come.  
The human was…strangely small. Not even up to Sanses chin, and sans was quite a small monster despite his capability. He would never doubt his brother and what he could do, but 1 HP was quite evident of how much he could take and Papyrus worried. He really did, and taking up several jobs was not what the taller skeleton thought would be best for his stress. But Sans just waved him off and insisted he was fine. Even as he came home sometimes with that empty socket stare and a grin that was a little too broad. And if Sans would hug him a little too tight at night, to the point his bones would ache and he could swear he felt him magic start to roil with an emotion that he couldn’t quite place, well…sans was entitled to his secrets. He was an adult, they both were long gone a century ago.  
But still, Papyrus would take those evenings and insist on being read to. Fluffy Bunny, an old book they had fished out of the garbage dump and whose words were half illegible and Sans had taken upon himself to take liberties as to what exactly the narration sounded like as he made this falsetto voices…  
He had done is since he was a babybones, barely up to a bunnies knee and it had comforted Papyrus then enough that perhaps he thought, perhaps the routine of such would help Sans now. And it seemed too, even as the familiar tale of such grew worn to him. He could indulge, pretend that things had not changed in the underground.  
But inevitably, things had.  
The Human had fallen, and had come through Snowdin.  
He had found them first, of course. His traps were immaculate like that. Precision made over years to calculate the exact requirements to trap them so without danger.  
The capitol had been quite adamant about that, that any interlopers to their kingdom be restrained but not ‘harmed’. And truly, Papyrus didn’t think such harm necessary.  
The human that came through, that they had found in the snow, hidden by the sentry post (Did Sans really think the lamp wasn’t obvious? As oddly shaped as it was? It was beyond suspicious but it seemed to amuse him and Papyrus was just so exited to finally see if his plans would finally work as designed) and had been so…friendly.  
In a stiped jumper, with a smile as they _flirted_ with him.  
It was all quite flattering really, even as he was a century and a half older. (he had heard humans aged differently, especially as magic began to fade on the surface. He had heard rumours that humans didn’t even believe that a SOUL exited, as preposterous as that was) and had firmly told the small child that he couldn’t be there as a datemate, but perhaps as a friend instead.  
The small human had accepted such easily enough, but he still worried.  
The underground was a vast place and not everyone was as great nor as kind as him. He wanted to make sure they were safe. He tried to keep in contact to ensure that, but he had completely forgot to take their number when they were there.  
Never mind that, Papyrus could adapt to the challenge and surpass it!  
He was the practical sort after all, someone had to be.  
It was a puzzle and puzzles could be solved easily enough if you applied logic to them.  
Now there were two letters and six numbers when given a phone, the Letters being one of four sets. SD, WF, HL or CC. With a grouping of six number positions and nine numbers total, would roughly come out at 720 possible combinations per letters. Meaning that there could be a grand total of 2880 phone numbers that the human could be under.  
2880 didn’t seem too large an amount when you had nothing but time, and not every number would be taken. So it shouldn’t take too long at all really.  
Papyrus started dialling.  
******  
SD-1-000-01 – **This number is not in use. Please check the number and try again.  
** See, easy enough. Now all it was, was a matter of waiting. **  
**SD-1-000-02 **– This number is not in use. Please check the number and try again.  
********  
**SD-1-001-36 **–** The phone went through. Papyrus perked up as the call picked up.  
HELLO, HUMAN?  
 **-elcome to grillbies. Opening hours are…  
** not human then. **  
********  
** SD-3-023-68 – _click_ **This is Snowdin Librarby customer service desk. Is there anything I can help with?**  
*******  
SD-5-000-29 **–** HELLO HUMAN?  
 **Just me bro  
** SANS?  
 **Yea  
** WHERE ARE YOU?  
 **Oh you know, just hanging around**  
Papyrus didn’t know for certain, but it sounded like a pun somehow. He hung up fast.  
**********  
SD-6-007-44 – **This number is not in use, please check the number and try again.**  
**********  
It was inevitable that he would mistype some of them. By this point his phalanges were moving out of repetition rather than any form of conscious thought, but there were a whole slew of letters ahead to get through as well. He had so far contacted most residents in snowdin, several businesses and one of the sports clubs. Competitive ice tossing wasn’t big outside their area but it had a thriving interest amongst the locals. Mostly the teens, and that one wolf-monster who made good money out of it. He always won whenever the annual snow festival was held.  
ST-6-666-66 – **This number does not exist, please hold…**  
That was new. Papyrus tried listening close only to get hit by garbled _noise_. A cacophony of sound layered over each other blasted through his bones and made his teeth tingle. There was the glitching skip of dial-up that petered out to a more gentle staticky hiss. A few beats of murmuring that were almost words.  
HELLO?  
 **\---llo**  
HELLO?  
 **\--llo  
** there was a click.  
HELLO…HUMAN?  
would a human have a normal number? He wasn’t sure.  
and then something came through, sharpened into words as if tuning to the right station. Flat and devoid of any inflection.  
 **This is human, yes?  
** It hadn’t sounded anything like the small human. None of the high childlike joy that shone through with every word or eyebrow wiggle. He didn’t want to assume, perhaps they sounded different on the phone. Most monsters complained about their voices when they heard it back. Something about the voice box, he wasn’t sure.  
But this sounded…well it sounded nothing like anything living at all.  
But they had answered, and so he barrelled on regardless.  
HELLO HUMAN! IT TOOK ME LESS RANDOM NUMBERS THAN I THOUGHT TO REACH YOU! SOME WERE NOT EVEN SUPPOSE TO EXIST ACCORDING TO THE AUTOMATED OPERATOR SYSTEM  
like this number. But it was here and connected, so therefore it did? Sans was always better at the more theory side of science. He liked it better when things stayed static, predictable. Things were strait forward then.  
ARE YOU NOT IN WATERFALL BY NOW?  
it had taken him some time to reach this. Not as long as he feared (he had worried he would reach HL numbers and that would have taken all day) but if he could remember how quick the little legs nimbly dodged through his traps, well the small human should be well on their way through by now.  
There was no answer.  
Papyrus frowned, glancing around himself to make sure no one would see before his eye-lights flickered into existence, orange smoke wisping out as he focused. Where Sans had a trick or two up his sleeve, Papyrus had a few of his own.  
He saw…  
 _Crushing, oppressive, black. Cold, cold,cold,cold….  
empty  
A small light, a spark. Focusing on it, it grew closer, warming. A whooshing sensation. Then suddenly…  
Sounds, everywhere but muffled. A thrumming high pitch peal of an engine that utterly **shrieked** at a frequency almost painful, murmured voices, slight swaying and the presence of people all around. All that could be seen was canvas, keys. Some loose papers.  
It was in a bag, the phone was in a bag. Crinkled in one corner where it was being held securely.  
A bright cheery ding from above  
 **Next st-p Gl---nd---gh Stati--  
**_ Papyrus’s skull absolutely pounded with the beginnings of what felt like a migraine. Cutting his sight and coming back to the lights of Snowdin’s streets. He was sitting on his houses steps and the worn wood was a comfort, grounding him. Bony fingertips tracing the wood and memory of building it. (Sanding it down, putting it into position with magic. Sans ‘helping’ by claiming it crooked and making him shift it when it hadn’t needed it at all...)  
What was that?  
That wasn’t anywhere in the underground.  
I APPEAR TO HAVE DIALLED THE WRONG NUMBER  
It was a puzzle to be sure, but he was already on one and the most sure-fire way to fail it was to take on a second. No, you waited patiently and diligently got through what was in front of you before taking on anything else. One of the first lessons of puzzle-solving that.  
So, curious and not a little bit confused, Papyrus continued dialling.

***********  
  
The Phone crackled on with a muted hiss of static and wailing, at what could possibly be the worse time for it. That being when Papyrus was diving out a window.  
Behind him in the trailing shards he left one human and one Fish General staring utterly bug eyed at his hasty departure (One far more pleading). But he had faith in his friends, they had this!  
The phone was a bit distracting though.  
Landing with more of an unsteady wobble rather than the pose he had hoped for, Papyrus fished it out of his scarf.  
 **-ts… _its_..its _oka_ y oKAy okaY..  
**the words sharpened, becoming more than a faint hiss. Weird since he hadn’t even tried phoning them.  
 **Its okay. Wrong numbers happen. Hope you got who you were after.**  
Which was very polite to hear right now, even as unsettling as it came across. Hollow and devoid of any warmth.  
YES THE ONE WE WERE AFTER HAD BEEN INDEED ‘GOT’.  
Right now they were staring at undine in some form of…fascination (or horror) as the fish woman declared they were going to have a good time. The ‘or else!” not being spoken but hovering oppressively.  
It was off to a good start then, the hardest part was getting Undyne to change her mind. once she decided on something, she went all out no matter the objection.  
THE MIXUP SORTED, IT IS QUITE A STORY.  
One he had honestly been worried over. Just a little, just a bit. Not that he didn’t have faith in his friends. Papyrus was the greatest in all things, and that included selecting the greatest friends (and _everyone_ could be great if given the chance) but Undynes passion was both admirable and terrifying in equal measure. And she was passionate about fulfilling her role as Captain of the Guard (and most certainly terrifying in it).  
Still, it turned out all right. All it needed now was a little encouragement to make it to the next step of friendship.  
Since that solution was now out of his hands and all up to his friends, he felt safe enough to work on the newest one he found.  
BUT IF YOU ARE NOT THE ONE I WAS TRYING TO REACH BUT STILL ANSWERED…  
A bony phalange rubbed as his mandible as he squinted out into the dark.  
…DOES THAT MEAN…  
When they had first picked up he had asked and they had answered. There was no indication to think they were lying about it either.  
…ARE YOU A HUMAN TOO?  
If he had need if breathing, he would of held it in anticipation. Nearly shaking.  
Could it be he was so lucky?  
(Behind him through the window came the sounds of splintering wood)  
… **Yes, and this human is tired. Good night.  
\--nIGHt-niit-Ni-ii-ii—i-i-i…  
**the signal faded out with a crackle and hiss before a final pop signified its end. Papyrus hardly noticed, inside he was nothing but glee.  
Another one! A second Human!  
well that certainly settled it. He had to keep calling them back. It was his duty as a potential guard!  
There had been so few before, none in his time and now there were potentially two! Both found by him! Even if this one was not actually ‘here’ here. That was beside the point. Finding two within days of each other would definitely get him a spot with Undyne.  
…  
How long did humans sleep anyway?  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Headcannons and other fun facts:
> 
> Phone numbers originally had around five numbers, with the letters at the front representing the area code the number was in. Since Monsters seem to be mimicking human society and development from films and books washed up over time, they’d likely copy the style and just not need to upgrade later as humans did. Their city and lands are stagnant, not expanding, so there would be limit to how many could live there.  
> A kinder interpretation would be that as magical creatures, they’d naturally slow in birth numbers as the space got too crowded. A less friendly one could think up ways society would enforce this.  
> I stuck with an algorithm of six numbers because five left a total of 120 combinations. Times 4 letter sets that’s a total of 480. Far too small a selection, even for the underground. I can fudge the reasons for over 2000 by claiming that as a new and not easy to create technology (the bits for it will be in dire need given their scarcity) phones would be given out to only the more upper echelons of monster society and important businesses, with a public phone for citizens use. The components needed to create the inner working of a mobile are..complex. And these guys are limited by the barrier hemming them in. No matter how much they dig they’ll hit a limit and they’ve been buried for thousands, upwards of tens of thousands of years. They’d have dug up all useful minerals and used them, and re-used them again and again. Anything new would have been swept in by the waterfalls and the local dumping tip. So, phones would be a hot commodity for them and since society is so close knit anyway, the regular citizen would have little need of a personal communication device. Guards and sentries certainly will. To keep in contact with the capitol and coordinate with each other if nothing else.  
> Please ignore the plot hole of Undernet and Papyruses online media presence for now. I’ll work on it later.  
> It is hinted in the games and spin off media that Papyrus has the ability to see the screen around him whenever he calls someone. Since Sans has his own magic tricks, stands to reason his brother would have some too.


	3. Cheese

Anne wasn’t stupid, she was cautious about this. Mentally prepped herself to watch for red flags, _any_ red flags in this and be ready to drop the whole thing like a hot potato if it came to it.  
But it never seemed to go the way of creepy. This…Papyrus person (seriously, was it a real name?) had the bizarrest questions but never strayed the line to actual alarming. It was..almost..endearing.  
HIS questions were more focused on puzzles, on people, on cooking even. It was like taking on the role of google, or being someone’s personal Siri.  
Her thought that this was some kid whom had fished out someone’s old phone out of the tip was getting stronger every day.  
It helped that they never asked her name. That would have been red flag number one and an immediate stopping to whatever…this was. With a name and the prevalence of social media it wouldn’t be too hard to narrow down a persons profile (She had deleted hers when it got hacked and just never re-did it. Her friends called her paranoid, Anne just liked the silence from her phones notifications)  
But Papyrus seemed content to call her ‘human. Or ‘phone human’ if he was being more descriptive and it honestly grew on her. It helped that it was said by someone who immediately followed it up by asking what her favourite pasta was. Explaining to him there were several types of spaghetti like dishes just utterly blew his mind.  
He had asked for specifics, so she send several suggestions.  
When he asked for ingredients she merely sent him a link to the online recipes.  
When THAT seemed to cause him to frantically ask what all those possibly could be (He seemed confused by the cheeses, and both revolted yet intrigued when she started to explain a little about the dairy industry and how it was made) Anne realised she was in it for the long haul now and buckled down ready to explain what was necessary.  
This guy was a foodie, that much was obvious. And by gosh, she herself may not be any form of chef whatsoever, but she hoarded books like it was the end of the world and recipe books were among them.  
She would nurture this poor sod who had no other option, and she would do it well enough!  
Kinda? Maybe?  
Well Anne was certainly going to try.  
 **Quesadillas are usually cheese melted between two tortillas. With other ingredients, but the cheese is the main thing.  
** She was flicking idly through a cookbook to try and find different examples. Currently it was the ‘overwatch cookbook’ and was a breakfast one apparently made by some…reaper character? She didn’t know, shooter games were not her thing, but merchandising was and sales as well, which was how she picked this one up.  
The examples did look delicious though. Maybe she’d try it?  
AND THIS IS THE…SOFT CHEESE? NOT THE ONE FOR SPAGHETTI?  
 **That’s right. Parmigiana is for pasta, This is like cheese on pizza. Its used to melt and keep it all together  
** AND HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOULD CHEESE THAT HAPPENS WHEN HUMAN FOOD GOES OFF?  
 _Okay_ , that was a strange way of phrasing it.  
 **That’s right**  
…  
THERE SURE ARE A LOT OF CHEESES  
 **You should know about the one they roll down hillsides and chase after them.  
** AH, WHAT?  
 **Every year, it’s a race**  
IS THIS A JAPE?  
Anne almost cackled. She was finding this far too much fun, really. And the weird words he’d use were interesting too. When was the last time she heard someone use that? Someone her Grandfathers age surely. Maybe they were a senior and not a Minor? But then, a kid would certainly comb through a tip for interesting things because they knew no better. the elderly wouldn’t. Was this seniors abuse? Did..did she need to call someone?  
(She scribbled something down on the nearby pad where a bunch of other notes and thoughts had been jotted down. Underlining something before flicking back through the book. )  
As a reply she sent back an image. It usually took him a while with pictures, she didn’t know why but it’s just something she noticed. Which meant she likely wasn’t going to get a text back for the rest of the day.  
Good, she needed to go shopping and this book had given her ideas.  
  
****************

Somewhere vast across time and space, and deep underground, Papyrus nearly doubled over from the sudden pain of having something utterly _alien_ press against his mind and seep into his vision. Several people. Several HUMAN people in various stages of freefalling down a hill, Giddy and laughing with others showing the sudden onset panic of really regretting their choices right now as they’re about to get up close and personal with sodden dirt at 35 miles per hour. Ahead a lone cheese wheel rolling tantalising out of reach.  
  
  


  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So none of these chapters are going to be any set length. Some will be short, some will be long. It’s not a set story but rather a whole lot of things thrown together that run into one another.  
> Right now, its stuff that I think the monsters would be utterly enthralled by learning about human culture. Such as Coopers Hill Cheese-Rolling Competition, Gloucester. Which yes, involves hurdling after a cheese wheel down a steep slope in the hopes of catching it. And since those babies can roll up to 70 miles per hour, it can get quite hectic.  
> They tried calling it off after 2009 due to safety concerns, but the locals kept doing it anyway.  
> Because there are few things people are not willing to do to get free cheese.


	4. Missadventures of the First

Frisk approached things with the wide eyed idealism that could only be had with the very young. The recklessness of youth where you put your whole heart into it, because everything up to then was so big that it could only be swayed by giving it your all.  
So Frisk did, when Sans asked him to help make his brothers day, he nodded inside to himself and set about it with all the determination of ten years old who knew what it meant to have days made (Christmas and birthdays and sweet cheerful cries of exited friends at sleepovers) .  
When he helped solve Papyruses puzzles he really thought hard as to what X’s needed to be O’s. And smiled at the delight it seem to give the skeleton (the grin of someone whose gift was unwrapped. Of having their ideas _seen_ and _heard_ and _cherished._ Memories made _)  
_ When Monster Kid kept turning up, for a glimpse of Undyne, who spoke so excitedly about her (and did you know she held the underground record for fastest amount of suplexes in under a minuet?)  
well he knew the scary (terrifying) guardswoman couldn’t be that terrible after all. Even as she chased them.  
even as she **stabbed** them. Even as Frisk fell to her, again and again. But never slow. Undyne was not cruel in her attacks, she always made them quick (Therein was the danger). It was Frisk who always tried to draw it out by stepping out of reach with a light foot and twirl. Who pushed to keep running. Who believed that there was more to this armoured figure. Because Monster Kid spoke so much of her, because Papyrus seemed so much to want to be a guard (and someone so nice couldn’t be wrong) because when they fought (or rather she fought, and Frisk dodged) there was that moment where she looked almost…sad. And bad people never _felt_ bad about what they did. Its part of what made them bad.  
So it took a little effort, and it burned down a house, but they befriended Undyne too.  
But the chase through waterfall meant that they hadn’t taken the time they normally would have to explore the area.  
So Frisk was making up for that time now.  
They had asked if the others wanted to come too, with Undyne sleeping on the skeletons couch the house was crowded and surely they’d like the space.  
Sans was snoring, legs up and laid back on the armchair they had dragged out from somewhere when their numbers had grown beyond a two seater. He didn’t seem to want to stop.  
Undyne had gotten rather purple in the face and mumbled how as a guard, she couldn’t be seen helping Frisk. It would go directly against the Kings order.  
When it was pointed out that Frisk was here, now and she wasn’t doing anything she quickly claimed she was off work hours. Mandatory time off to sort out her house renovations. Again.  
(Sans snoring became a little more like snrting)  
Papyrus wanted to. He really did, but as a guard in training, he had to set a similar example.  
So just in case he made sure Frisk had a scarf (his spare from when he was younger, now faded to a soft pink) because snowdin was cold, and an umbrella, because waterfall was wet. And some leftover spaghetti because it was never a good idea to travel on an empty stomach.  
And a spare bone attack, just because.  
Undine had dragged him to the kitchen in a headlock before he could offer anything else.  
And so equipped, Frisk set out to trek through waterfall again

**********

“Ah, he’ll be alright NERD” Undine gave one final noogie before letting the skeleton go. Dusting her hands of the whole thing. “Seriously, the kid’s tough. Has to be to beat ME”  
“I KNOW I KNOW” Papyrus nodded in agreement with his captain and friend, but still look a little worried.  
“IT’S JUST…HUMANS ARE VERY SMALL”  
“Pfft, and dodgy”  
“AND THEY’RE VERY…” he made a gesture to indicate skin. Trying to think of a word for it. “..SOFT” he finally settled on. They were soft and they squished and he saw how it could colour too easily if he wasn’t careful with his GREAT strength, and a lot of things could make it go those colours. Rocks, bumps, really well executed snowball fights.  
He knew what it was now, bruising, and had been horrified to learn humans didn’t just bleed outside their skin. Monsters did similar, their bodies were still bodies after all, but the marks left behind from bruising were more to show where the body was concentrating it’s efforts to boost healing. An instinctive response that flooded the area with low magic, consequently they never stayed very long.  
With Frisk he was alarmed to see that things stayed much more permanently.  
“Where’s this coming from?”  
Undyne was perceptive. Hunching his shoulders up as he paced back into the living room, then back again, then back out. She didn’t need both eyes to see he was more agitated then normal, nor the way he seem to freeze.  
“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN”  
“Your acting a little…”  
“Mothering” came the helpful call from the armchair. Sans not even opening his eyes.  
“WELL IM JUST CONCERNED IS ALL” Papyrus replied, phalanges on his hip bones as he huffed.  
“But why? The Punk’s been through there before”  
“YES BUT HUMANS GET SICK IF THEY GET TOO WET”  
“really?” That was news to Undyne, and weird. “you sure?” She’s seen the kid navigate the waterfalls heaps of times and get swept over the edge and never seem worse for it. Hell some of them looked like they did it for fun!  
“I’VE BEEN LOOKING INTO THEM MORE” the younger brother started, “SINCE THEY’RE SO IMPORTANT. THERE ARE HEAPS OF THINGS ABOUT HUMANS YOU WOULDN’T REALISE”  
and there was that tone of voice. Not the one that was necessarily condescending, but the one that suggested they knew something and you don’t. And were more than eager to show it off.   
“oh yea? Like what?”  
“LIKE THEY NEED EIGHT HOURS SLEEP TO KEEP WELL, AND YOU SHOULDN’T DISTURB THEM BEFORE THEN. THEY NEED PLENTY OF COFFEE, AND AT LEAST ONE APPLE ON THEM AT ALL TIMES TO DETER DOCTORS FROM TURNING UP”  
“You mean a crabapple”  
“MAYBE?”  
“Wait, how does that even work?”  
“I THINK THEY THROW IT AT THEM”  
Undyne nodded, that certainly would keep people at bay if used right. Spears were much easier for it though, but she supposed someone so tiny could hardly be expected to lift them with ease.  
Sans had gone from slouched back to sitting up in interest. Like this was a brand new puzzle that he didn’t want to miss out on.  
“Just where are you getting all this from?”  
“OH YOU KNOW” papyrus scratched nervously at the back of his skull, refusing to meet his brothers gaze. “JUST SOME THINGS NEW I PICKED UP. OW!”  
He rubbed at where Undyne had punched him in the shoulder.  
“You found something new in the trash heap nerd? You’ve GOT to let me take it to Alphys. It’s been _ages_ since she’s had anything to add to the collection. She’ll get all exited and get that look on her face when she thinks no one notices and…”  
“AH, YES YES. ONCE IM DONE I’LL BE HAPPY TO SHOW YOU?” It came out more of a question. “IN FACT, I’LL JUST..GO..SEE IF I CAN FIND IT..” and he backed up the stairs in a surprising feat of dexterity without looking, heading for his room.  
Undyne was exited at the prospect of something ‘new’ being there. Maybe if they were lucky it was another season of Mew Mew Kissy Cutie? Or one of the other ones? The disks were not always easy to read, sometimes the data was too damaged from the trip down to be read properly, coming out pixelated or stopping in the middle of an episode. There were several missing, currently, in Alphy’s collection and it would utterly make the Scientists day if they could recover one of them. And Alphys had been down these past few months, something like that would be just what was needed!  
Though Papyrus didn’t seem the type to watch them. NOT that he wouldn’t be enthusiastic about it, but rather that he would immediately hand over such a find if they HAD come across it. Knowing how much it meant to Alphys. Nah, it was probably more like a boring text book of some sort. A glossy Doctors magazine they kept in waiting rooms, which would explain why they’d have to defend against them.  
“I wonder why they’d use an apple though” seemed odd, they were better used for eating.  
“Don’t think its meant that way” Sans piped up from his chair. Lounging back now with a small smile. It was Sans though, he was always smiling, but this one had a bit of fondness to it.  
“And what have _you_ been doing? Don’t think I haven’t noticed you skimping out on your sentry posts”  
Sans blanched. Even if he was a ‘Volunteer’, even if technically Papyrus was a trainee and not a guard, even despite the fact Undyne didn’t have direct authority over either of them, even still, that tone of voice could make anyone sit up straighter.  
“Hey now, I’ve been here and there. Lending a hand. No _bones_ about it”  
“Uh-huh, doing what exactly?”  
“Keeping an eye out” was the lazy reply, gesturing to his sockets “Or two. Not sure where they are now though”  
Undyne rolled her own, not the least bit moved by his joke. She could guess of course. The human Fisk did seem to make it through the paths with surprising ease.  
Snowdin have this unspoken understanding, those there seemed set on disregard Frisks human-ness and saw him as any old person, as one of ‘them’ if only in an unofficial capacity. And Frisk, in turn, seemed to regard everyone there as a friend.  
How much of that was by the Skeleton brothers influence?  
Papyrus she could easily imagine. His soft hearted belief in looking for the best in people made them tend to _want_ to be the best they could. And they had been so intent on Frisk being a genuine friend that it wouldn’t have been hard for the townsfolk to oversee that little part of the Kings Orders.  
She had ended up doing it herself (after she had seen firsthand how adamant they had been. How they had refused to raise a hand, how they had run so very scared from her and her spears and then ran back _so_ much faster when Monster Kid had been dangling…)  
Sans? Well it wasn’t by any old coincidence that one trip through waterfall had resulted in an impromptu concert that Sans had made bank on. Just how had he known that it was there? Him and his shortcuts of course. It’s what made him able to hold down several jobs at once while simultaneously blow them all off. The most hardworking lazy person she knew.  
She could guess how many monsters looked past the Human in an encounter only to see blue pinpricks in the dark watching. Judging. She never admitted it but sometimes, sometimes that certain look could unnerve her too.  
Their reasons for such where their own and she wouldn’t ask. Not while she was wrestling with the question herself of just _why_ she was so concerned. Why she regarded the human..no..Frisk. Why Frisk had earned her grudging respect.  
(A shattered wooden table and still the child looked up at her. Uncertain and fearful but determined. With _faith_ because Papyrus had led them here. Much as she was willing to indulge this because _Papyrus_ had led the child here, and the two had that in common at the very least)  
Not that Sans would ever admit that.  
“Uh-HUH” came the ever doubtful reply, Undyne eyeing up the smaller brother. He just shrugged.  
Thy lapsed into silence.  
And waited  
Ad waited  
And w a i t e d …  
“He sure it taking a long time”  
“Well that’s because he bailed out the balcony” Came Sans easy reply, and that grin of his ticked a little higher.  
“What?”  
“Yea, about…five minutes ago”  
“WHAT?!”  
  
*****

Somewhere five minutes outside of Snowdin, Papyrus was stealthily following the tracks left behind in the snow. His human hunting skills coming into use once again!  
It’s not that he doubted Frisk so much as that he worried. So much more now that he knew a bit more about humans. It would ease his conscience if he could keep an eye on them to make _sure_ nothing bad would happen. Sure Undine would be a bit upset, but likely just as impressed by his stealthy escape.  
Jut to be sure he sped up a little.  
No need getting caught now was there.  
  
************

There had been a few buzzes from Annes phone indicating a message or two, but given work meant _working_ , she had to wait until catching a break before reading them.  
HOW MUCH WATER IS TOO MUCH FOR HUMANS? Was the first one. Which was…mildly concerning. Sent 11:05 AM  
Immediately under that at 11:08 AM  
ON A COMPLETELY UNRELATED SUBJECT FROM THE FIRST, HOW WELL CAN HUMANS SWIM?  
Anne was beginning to get a deep unpleasant feeling in her gut.  
Finally, at 11:16 HOW LONG CAN THEY HOLD THEIR BREATH?  
It was now eleven thirty.  
She immediately typed back, squinting as if trying to force the texts to reveal they were in jest.  
 **Is everything okay Papyrus?  
Papyrus?  
Please answer…  
**unaware that Papyrus was quite unable to at that moment. No, right then his phone was somewhat waterlogged and no longer receiving direct calls.  
Undyne grumbling to herself as she sloshed out of one of waterfalls pools, ascending up like a vengeful scaled god of annoyance.  
Monster Kid dangled under one arm (starry eyed and in awe) Papyrus under her other (far longer and getting dragged face down through the muck for it) and finally Frisk shivering on her back . Little arms and legs wrapped around her to hold on tight as their teeth chattered from the cold of water that had not seen the sun in an age. Chattering, but definitely giggling.  
“Idiots” Undyne kept muttering “I am surrounded by Stars damned Idiots!” plotting mentally how she was going to change up the morning training to somehow include swimming lessons for a Human with a (now OBVIOUS) death wish, a beansprout with no arms for swimming, and a skeleton that seem to forget that bones.do.NOT.FLOAT.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There was going to be more, but then the chapter just started driving off in a different direction and I needed to throw something up. So here we are. Half of it was written while drunk so please excuse any glaring mistakes. 
> 
> Headcannon 1) As a member of the guard and seemingly the only policing force the underground has, this is not the first time Undyne has had to rescue someone from the waterways of underground. Caving systems can have some very tricky, and very deceptive looking pools if your not careful. With waters that sit between ice covered snowdin and the lava filled hotlands, water temperatures would range between freezingly hypothermic up to possibly boiling depending where it flows through. Basic morning drills are now going to hold 'how to spot hazards' seminars (guest hosted by Alphys) and yes, they are going to be booring as possible as punishment.


End file.
